The Criterion Collection is known for giving movies amazing cover art for the DVD’s. This Photoshop forum thread I came across asked the question, “What is Criterion did video games.” This is amazing, there are some incredibly creative people out there. Here is the website: http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=357454&page=1.
And here are a few of my favorites:
So, The Hold Steady show was pretty amazing last night.
I give the band and “A,” but the crowd gets a “D+”
Seriously CU, learn how to behave yourselves at shows. It is a bad thing when sound equipment is broken. You are allowed to have fun, just don’t let your fun inhibit others from having any.
Props to The Hold Steady for still putting on an amazing show despite the crowd.
You never cease to amazing me Dinosaurs Fucking Robots.
If you knew what to look for, you knew she was one. The fingertips always give it away. That brushed metal look where everything else is chrome. She might as well be carrying a sign. The squares say the finish is worn from work tasks, but what XJ-93d does any work? No sir; that is the fine wear of leathery skin on chrome. This one is into the dinos.
Personally, I don’t care what goes on behind closed doors, but the brass is put off by this one. The raptors have her number; they are always hanging around, waiting for her to leave work. You ever smell a raptor in heat? Most humans can’t come within a mile of it. That’s bad for business, and business is all that matters to the brass. “Take care of it,” they said, so take care of it I will.
I follow her out of work. This is how it all got started. Used to be robots didn’t leave. Why would they? Now with their advanced computing systems they develop personalities, then personality traits. Traits lead to flaws. Man and dino lived together in relative peace after the initial shock. Sure, some kids got eaten on the way to school, but eventually we learned to coexist. The dinos were smarter than we ever imagined, and a truce was finally met. Robots like this XJ-93d were going to ruin everything. Because of their sentient status, you can’t just do away with a robot, you have to prove something in court, or maybe an accident needs to happen. There’s nothing illegal about a robot fucking a dinosaur, so my guess is that the brass wants that latter.
I tail her to Dino-town; all rundown buildings and park land. The place stinks of rotting carcasses, and the sweet-pungent odor of herbivore shit. There are no lights in Dino-town, so in a couple of hours I am going to be at a significant disadvantage.
Eventually we get to a collapsed building. Most of the first floor wall is still intact. She goes through what used to be the door. I sneak up after a few moments, making sure she’s not just giving me the slip. Sure enough, this is where she was headed. As I approached I could hardly breathe and my lower brain functions were rebelling against me. There were raptors here, alright.
It took a few minutes to get myself together. Your fight-or-flight instinct really kicks in around raptors. If I piss myself (a common human reaction) I will find myself on the menu. I concentrate on my breathing and begin to extrapolate pi. Numbers are calming, since they are logic-based, they fight off lower brain reaction tactics.
I don’t need to peer around the wall to know what is going on, but do anyway. I’ve always know about these kind of robots, these kinds of parties, but getting close is never wise for a human. The setting sun glints off the XJ-93d’s body, shocking my eyes. I am glad for it. As my vision returns it allows the scene to fade in gradually. There are at least five raptors, their crests flared—their rutting furious. It is the most bizarre scene I have ever witnessed.
I sneak away to wait for her to leave, and plan my next move. The brass won’t need to hear my report to make a decision. They pay me to think on my feet. They trust my decisions. This XJ-93d is going to disappear. It’s a shame, but that’s life, even for a robot.
My plan is simple. Wait for her to come out and return to the city. Hit her in the border area, which will be pretty deserted. It’ll be nice and quick. If she could feel, she wouldn’t feel a thing.
Wouldn’t feel a thing, I think. That’s pretty good. Why, though, is she so hungry for sex if she can’t feel? Is this something new? Is it physical feeling, or just the emotional sensation that drives her? Even if it is not physical, are not our senses just stimuli turned into emotion? Perhaps this is some new definition of life flowering, and I am here to squash it in a dark alley?
“I have recognition of your facial features,” a woman’s voice says behind me. Dammit. “You are following me, affirmative?”
“Just interested in you, doll,” I say casually as I can. This is bad. Any robot can be trouble if you don’t have the drop on them.
“You disapprove of my behavior?” she asks.
“Not me. Not so much.” She steps closer.
“My attraction array is not limited to dromaeosaurids. I am capable of appreciating homo sapiens as well,” she states matter-of-factly. She steps again.
It seems strange, but she is exuding a carnality that I only get from human females. I am attracted to her. I feel myself go erect. She places a chrome hand on my chest. I see those slightly worn fingertips. That wear from the leathery raptor skin, and just as I remember, I hear the growl behind me. Yeah, she fucks dinosaurs, and now she’s fucking me too.
She gives me a strong shove, and its all over. The raptor’s jaws snapped my neck. I didn’t feel a thing.
written by Darius Whiteplume
Here is a summary of my entire Spring Break.
Friday:
Turned in my Graphics projects 30 minutes before it was due
Treat myself to a burrito bowl at Chipotle
Resident Evil 5 with roommate
Battlestar Galactica series finale
Saturday:
Sleep in for the first time in a long time
Beat Resident Evil 5 with roommate
Driver to Peoria for Riverboat Gamblin
Walk away 300 dollars richer
Steak N dinner - no Wi-Fi and drunk old boobs
Realize I never want to see Peoria in the daylight
Sunday:
Wake up around 2 p.m.
Get Wendy’s
Spend part of money on video games
Proceed to play said video games
Lounge around and read Marvel’s House of M
Play video games until I fall asleep
Monday:
Wake up aroud 2 p.m.
Go to work and check in my articles
Schedule time to play writey-drawey with buzz coworkers
Lounge around/read/listen to music/play video games until writey drawey
Get picked up by Tommy to go buy beer
Go to Matt’s and play writey drawey:
Octopi translates into eight pies
Hilarity ensues
Jimmy Johns
Deliciousness ensues
Sleep
Tuesday:
Wake up
Drive home to Salem, fall in love with The Mae Shi
Arrive home, play with my dog Oscar
Eat with parents
Write review of Resident Evil 5 for the217.com
Catch up on Dollhouse
Fall asleep watching Iron Chef America
Wednesday:
Wake up at noon
Get free food at my favorite restaurant back home
Relax/play video games/read until parents come home for dinner
Have amazing dinner with parents
Get a call from Chad, Bryce and Rob, who came to Salem
Go visit our friend Katie and Brittany
Go bowling and meet some fun people from Green Bay
Go to sleep early to prepare myself for my weekend trip
Thursday:
Wake up at 9 am
Get oil changed
Get a bag full of ball bearings
Pick up Andy’s turntable from his Mother
Drive to Breese
Buy 48 bottles of Ski and lunch at my favorite restaurant ever, Wally’s
Visit my Grandmother
Continue driving to Joplin, MO
See a business called FAG on the way, nearly crash car due to laughing
Arrive in Joplin, 46 bottles of Ski left
Meet up with Robb
Go meet Biaka and a few of their friends
Go to Starbucks to meet more of their friends
Andy shows up at Starbucks
Hugs ensue
Go to a bar called Blackthorn, consume PBR
Drive to Andy, Biaka and Robb’s house
Watch Lost
Read Hedge Knight by Geroge R. R. Martin - amazing
Sleep
Friday:
Wake up early
Eat breakfast with Andy’s dad, the incredible Jim Nash. I eat something called Hillbilly Hashbrowns. Too much cheese.
The One Meat
Play in Jim Nash’s semi truck.
Almost sprain ankle jumping over hurdle thing
Go to Andy and Biaka’s old apartment to pick up things, find out power was turned off.
Open fridge, see a turkey log that has been in the unpowered fridge for who knows how long
Smell the worst thing I have ever smell in my entire life
Run out of apartment and dry heave
Andy throws up
Go to see April while she works at Starbucks
Find out she doesn’t have to work for another few hours
Biaka and I go help her decorate for her friends welcome back party. Andy naps. Robb shows up a bit later
Blew up balloons like a champ
Streamer the hell out of the apartment
Write Hot Riot on the ceiling:
Go to get ice cream, but end up getting food instead
Go back to the house, hang around listening to music
Go buy Hot N Ready’s for the Welcome Back Party
Purchase 6 pizzas, eat one in the parking lot
Arrive at party, convince everyone that they gave us an empty box when they find an empty pizza box
Continue with joke until one of the girls decides to call Papa Johns to demand a refund
Hilarity ensues
Meet some amazing people:
Have more fun with a balloon and our noses and knees than should be humanly allowed
Rock me mama like a wagon wheel *clap clap clap clap clap*
Rock me mama any way you feel *clap clap clap clap clap*
Rock me mama like the wind and the rain *clap clap clap clap clap*
Rock me mama like a south-bound train *clap clap clap clap clap*
Hey mama rock me
Get assigned boy band personalities. I was the “heart throb”:
Invent game called “Grow a Pair” which invovles seeing who can last the longest in the apartment with the rotten turkey.
Go back to the turkey apartment
Last maybe 10 seconds before I run outside to drive heave again.
Andy throws up 3 more times
Head back and play writey drawey
Before writey drawey begins, have a party blower war:
Biaka sticks one in each of his nostrils and laughs. They inflate when he laughs, which causes him to laugh more. This lasts for around 10 minutes.
“That’s a stallion” “No, that is a giraffe coming out of his shorts”
Go back to the house
Watch 30 Rock
24 Skis left.
sleep
Saturday:
Wake up
Go eat BBQ: pulled pork sandwich, GIANT basket of curley fries and one of the most delicous pieces of chocolate peanut butter pie I have ever had
Robb’s broccoli salad smells ridiculously like the turkey in the refrigerator
Andy almost throws up
As we were leaving the restaurant, notice a vending machine that sells fake mustaches…of course I buy one.
Put on mustache. Put on short shorts, bandanna, and a way too small polo:
HIlarity ensues
This is what Freedom looks like:
Prepare to go to Buffalo Wild Wings to watch the basketball game:
Consume beer, croutons and wings
Go back to house and change back to regular clothes. Short shorts in an ice storm is not a good idea
Go to Blackthornn, order pizza, drink many-a-pitcher of American Ale
Say It Ain’t So
Come on Eileen
Drink more pitchers of Miller Light
Walk back to the house
Have an amazing drunken discussion with Robb
sleep
Sunday:
Drive home
The Mighty Boosh is on Adult Swim!
Go to bed early
Leaving to go to San Diego for the weekend. It is so weird to pack for warm weather. I almost forgot how to do it. Good thing I own plenty of T-shirts and jeans.
About one year ago today, I was here. I had just downed five $5 cosmos NYC style and was loudly exclaiming, “When in Rome!” while running through the streets of Times Square with a few of my fellow NYC-bound journalist friends.
Then I took my buzzed self into the m&m factory and waited in line with several other children to be scanned by a laser and told my secret m&m color…I was white.
Oh, the memories…
I <3 NYC.
That was an incredibly formative adventure. It was an honor to share it with you lovely ladies. <3.
What a good trip. I was talking with some people who are going on it this year and told them to prepare for awesomness. Even though I don’t think they can top the awesomeness that we had.
